It’s hard to even type that statement, as I thought it would never be a reality. I guess I knew the day would come, but the fact that it has come and gone still steals some of my breath.

The best news is that I was able to pass the role onto a woman that I am most confident will be ten times the pastor to the girls at Generation as I ever could have been. And in that, God is so faithful.

Why did I make this decision?

The best way I can answer that question is with Isaiah 30:21: “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” The simplest answer is that I heard God whisper, ‘it’s time and here is the path, walk in it.’ In all His faithfulness, He provided me with a new job that I love, enjoy, and find myself challenged everyday. And the best part is that it’s a new mission field. A new place where there are hearts that have never heard or treasured the gospel of Jesus Christ.

My heart is still the same. Years ago, the Lord gave me a heart for young women. To pastor, shepherd, encourage, love, and care for them. It’s still my heart. I will continue to strive to be faithful to the call on my life that God has so preciously given me. I will never take it for granted.

This season is different. But it is good. God is faithful. And I covet your prayers. As always.

If there is anything I have learned since knowing Jesus, it’s the truth that knowing Jesus does not guarantee a life free of hardship, struggle, and turmoil. Rather, knowing Jesus has given me hope in all of these situations that I didn’t have before.

And this time, in the wilderness, God was gracious enough to show me a purpose for it.

This is the Scripture He has placed over this season in life from Deuteronomy 8:

“And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” (vs. 2-3)

(Side note: Deuteronomy 8 is one my favorite chapters, so read the whole thing if you get a chance. So good.)

The wilderness is not just for us to suffer, but for us to hunger and thirst. Desperately. And in that desperation, when God comes in and feeds and gives us drink, we are reminded of how desperately we need Him.

Life can make us easily forget. The wilderness causes us to hunger and thirst for God, to long for Him. Then we find ourselves crying out like David did in Psalm 43: “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” Desperately. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” (Mt 5:6).

The wilderness teaches us how to hunger and thirst for God. Desperately. And when He comes to quench, we will be satisfied in Him.

Typically, I love birthdays. I let everyone know as they approach. I go so far as to celebrate my half birthday mid-year.

This birthday, different story. It’s been the first birthday that I felt the weight of age. So, I tried to ignore it as it quietly approached. I couldn’t avoid it though, and well, here it is.

This birthday hasn’t been as scary as I thought it would be though. And today, although feeling old, I am also feeling loved. Loved by Jesus. Loved by my family. Loved by my friends. And all of these mean so much to me. So many kind things are said to me on my birthday, and this year has been no different.

Thank you to all of those that love me, despite the fact that I am getting wrinkles.

Thank you to God that though I may be poor in pockets, I am rich in love.

Thank you to God that as my body gets closer to death, my spirit grows more alive.

Thank you to God for giving me 25 years of life, and I am praying for 25 more.

South Africa is my home. It always will be.

Today, we are heading over there. This morning my cousin Lindsay that lives over there called. She called to talk about something else, but our trip came up. She said to me, “People born in Africa will always consider Africa their home no matter how long they are away from here.” Yes. It will always be my home even though I have now lived in the US longer than I lived over there.

So today, I get to begin the trip home. My heart leaps every time I think about it. It’s been two years since I was there last. There is just something about being on African soil… I am heading over there with a team of 13 other people. We are going over there to share the gospel, meet the needs we can, and tell them about the one that heals every brokenness and overcomes every circumstance.

I left South Africa an unbeliever, so every opportunity to return with the truth of the gospel is exciting. I feel like I am returning to where I was once dead with life and hope. And I get to return with a group of people that are so important to my life. The girls on this trip are some of the most precious people I have had the opportunity to do ministry alongside. What an awesome opportunity.

We need your prayers. Pray for safety, protection, a smooth journey. Pray for strength, courage, and for boldness.

Pray for us as we go forward.

Pray for us as we “shosholoza”.

I may have had a “normal” college experience. Hung out with my ”normal” friends. Do “normal” things for someone in their mid-twenties. Take “normal” vacations. Make a “normal” salary for working a “normal” job.

And yet, I find myself living a life far from normal.

Normal is just an idea though. But it’s an idea that can tempt me to believe that somehow I am missing out on something. However, with three gentle words, the Lord rebuked my selfishness.

Don’t lose heart.

Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

In all honesty, what I do gives me so much joy. It’s hard to imagine doing anything else. I have so much love and hope and faith for the girls. I am so proud of them. I care so much for them. These same emotions are what make me frustrated, anxious, stressed, and worried. I want the best for them and to see anything else is not easy. And yet, God reminds me to not grow weary in what I do. He tells me to never give up. He quickly reminds me of the joy found in Him and Him alone.

For those reading this that have also given up a “normal” life: Don’t lose heart. We have a Savior who gave everything. He kept silent and endured an excrutiating death so that we may have life. He did it for the joy set before Him, and so do we. Don’t chase a “greater joy” that is rather an unrealistic temptation. In Him we find our fullness of joy.

I’ll leave you with Hebrews 12:1-2: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, andlet us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus,the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

As I talk about how God is teaching me about the nature and relationship of each of these, remember that I am no theologian.

First of all, I had a question posed to me in a women’s ministry tea a couple weeks about what I thought the difference between knowledge and wisdom is? I had never been asked this question and had never thought of how they relate to each other. But immediately, God began to show me that knowledge is a set of facts and truths, what we know, and wisdom is found in our application of these facts and truths. So, we may gain the knowledge through our reading that we should “have unity of mind, sympthay, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Peter 3:8). I have read that, it is a fact, it is truth, and so I have it as knowledge. But it is not enough. I need the wisdom to be able to apply that truth to my life. How, God, do I work this out in my life to bring you glory and honor?

Now what about strength? Strength is required to be able to apply wisdom. Let’s look at another example of all three working in a situation. If in reading, I come across 2 Timothy 2:3-4: “Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.” So I know this, I’ve read it, I understand it. I should not be involved in civilian pursuits outside of the battle that the army of the Lord is engaged in. But I need wisdom. How do I apply this to my life? What civilian pursuits am I entangled in? Is it a relationship, a friendship, a hobby? I need God to give me a spirit of wisdom to give me revelation of that knowledge in my life (Ephesians 1:17). So what if He shows me that there is a relationship in my life that is taking up time, thought, and energy that is out of balance? Now I need the strength to be able to cut that thing out. It is not good enough to know that something doesn’t honor God; I have to have the strength to remove it. Paul shares this struggle in Romans 7:18: “For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

Knowledge, wisdom, and strength all come from God. I pray for all three. If we lack one, we may find ourselves in legalism, liberalism, or lost.

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory.” – Proverbs 24:3-6

So, freedom has been something I have always looked at as an incredible blessing in the life of a believer. We are free from death. We are free from the “yoke of slavery” (also Galatians 5:1).

And then entered unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness always had made itself at home in my heart, but at the beginning of this year, it was so tangible that it could not be ignored. It felt like a disease in my body… something I knew was there but wanted to get rid of so badly. When I considered my unforgiveness, there were two thoughts that always reeled through my mind:

1. God doesn’t struggle with unforgiveness.
I knew that anyone who had hurt me had been offered forgiveness by God without a second thought when they had asked. To me, this meant that when I was praying about unforgiveness in a situation, God didn’t even see the actions of the other person, but rather just my unforgiveness. Here I was trying to point fingers at another person’s sin, and it felt as though God was pointing His mighty finger down at me. He could squash me, so it wasn’t a comfortable place to be.

2. I need forgiveness.
Truth is, I have hurt a lot of people. And  I need forgiveness. In fact, some of the same people that I am fighting to forgive are going to be fighting to forgive me. In Matthew 7, Jesus says that will be judged with the same measure that we use to judge others. So, I knew it was time to lay down the measure and worry about my own soul.

If the freedom of Christ made me feel alive, unforgiveness gave me a reminder taste of death. No, thank you. If it is for freedom that Christ has set me free, then it is in that freedom that I want to live. I won’t submit again to death, for life rescued me.   

If you’re interested in reading my earlier blog about freedom, you can click here.

The gospel teaches me not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34). But I do worry. Financially, I am broke.  If it weren’t for my incredible father and mother, I would be in debt. I think I am “broke” anyway, although I am certain I have no idea what broke really feels like. The Lord has proven himself faithful time and time again in providing for me, but each month I get anxious wondering how I am going to fulfill all my financial responsibilities. He has proven His faithfulness, but still I doubt.  I worry about the uncertainties of life. I have never liked uncertainty. But He is faithful.

The gospel teaches me that I am never alone (Psalm 139:7-10). But I get lonely. I have always suffered from the disease of feeling like I care more about others than they do for me. It’s insecurity at it’s best. Some people have proven me right, and others have proven me wrong. The truth is, however, that if every human being abandoned me, I would not be alone. I see my lack of dependence in the gospel in my loneliness. He should be all that I need as far as companionship. Everyone else is just an added bonus. My emotions show me a lot about how I do not understand the gospel.

The gospel teaches me to be selfless (Philippians 2:4). But I am selfish. I’ll leave it at that.

This week, my prayer has been that the Lord would help me understand the gospel and teach me how to depend on it. I trust too much in my own strength. The work of ministry is not hard, it’s impossible. The Lord chooses people who are lowly enough to realize their need for God. What makes us love Jesus more is our need for Him. If we are going to ask to love Him more, we need to know that He may make us face situations that will cause us to need Him. He will begin to tear us down. God will come in and wreck our lives because we forget that we are needy people. I need Him. Almost everyday I think to myself: “Wow, Lauren, you need Jesus.” It’s true, I do need Him. And my prayer is that I will be able to not only know the gospel, but understand it and trust it.

Here is a hymn called “I Asked the Lord” by John Newton that Kort told us about today in staff meeting:

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He’d answer my request
And by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
“Tis in this way” The Lord replied
“I answer prayer for grace and faith”

7. “These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.”

1. My obsession with social media keeps me from texting.

For some people, this might sound like a good thing. But for me, I often don’t respond to texts or even initiate text conversations because I am tired of being on my phone. Social media lets me put things out there without having to engage in long conversations that lend my thumbs to early-age arthritis. I’m known for not responding to texts. I don’t like texting to begin with. But social media drains what energy I do have.

2. My obsession with social media keeps my mind occupied on trivial things.

I catch myself checking Twitter or Facebook at red lights. Which I have always thought was dumb, but I do it anyway. But not only at red lights, almost anytime I am still, I check both. I pride myself in not letting a tweet get by me. It’s going to be really difficult to “be still and know that He is God” if I am checking social media sites every time I am still. It keeps my mind on trivial matters rather than letting myself think about deeper things while I am driving or spending some time at home.

3. My obsession with social media keeps me disengaged from people’s lives.

I live in the lie that I know what is going on in my friends’ lives because I have read about it on Twitter or Facebook. It keeps largely disengaged from really knowing them or really caring much about what’s going on. I don’t feel the need to check on people because I already know what they did this weekend. I know everything they did this weekend. So why ask about it? Mostly, it plays into me not texting people to ask them how they are doing because I live under the assumption that I know what they are doing.

4. My obsession with social media misleads me to think that a bunch of people actually care what I am doing.

And they don’t. I sometimes get this sinking feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Like I am all alone and no one cares about me. The truth is, the people that are reading my tweets and facebook statuses probably don’t really care! My friends are the ones that keep in touch with me outside of Twitter and Facebook. Somehow I buy into the trick that someone actually cares that I am drinking coffee on my porch in the crisp fall air. They don’t care. They don’t REALLY care anyway. And whenever I begin to realize that I am sharing my lives with people that don’t even really care about it but are just mildly entertained, I get that empty, lonely feeling. I thought I had friends, but really, I just have followers.

All in all, it’s gotta get under control. No more long periods of time on Facebook that lead you into “facebook stalking” people that you met once four years ago.

My time and emotions are precious and valuable to me. I am stealing them back.

In John 10:10, Jesus says that he “came that [we] may have life and have it abundantly”. There is distinction here between this life and the life abundantly. He came to offer us both. A life in freedom with Him. I feel sometimes that although we have a banquet feast laid out for us, we cling to our paper plates as if that is all that God has given us. In Shane and Shane’s song, they say “Put down your paper plate / Come to the table made / Deep blue china / Found on the table by the wine / so fine.” There is a freedom in Christ that we must live in as Christians. The cross of Christ was wholeheartedly for our salvation, but Paul says in Galatians that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. So even as Christians, we must fight to live in that freedom and life abundantly that Christ offers us. 

My frustration with what I now call Paper Plate Syndrome is that so many Christians are blinded by their selfish desires that they are missing the banquet feast of blessing and joy that is laid out in front of them by the hand of the Almighty God. Rather than laying down what they have in their hands and sitting down at the table for something much better, they would rather cling to their paper plates. It’s like the child that would rather play with the box than the toy inside. I see this most right now in young women. That’s probably because I spend 95% of my time with young women. But so many of them are blinded by their desire for companionship that they are missing what the Lord has for them right now in this season. They are missing the banquet. They are missing the chance to dine with the King, to spend time with Him, to talk to Him, and let Him offer them the spring that will not run dry.

If we could all put down our paper plate, and come to the table that is laid out before us, there is freedom. There is life abundantly.